Buscaría una cita de El Principito pero me da pereza

miércoles, junio 20, 2012

El siguiente es un borrador de mi charla para TEDx el año que viene. No porque vaya a hablar, pero una siempre tiene que estar preparada. Pensé abordar el tema de la misma forma que quienes suelen hablar ahí: hablar de un problema debilitante de mi vida, cómo lo superé y sacar de eso algún consejo genérico para la muchachada que los haga sentir bien a pesar de haberse prostituido por una entrada.

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Cuando yo tenía siete años o capaz menos, la pediatra que me atendía hizo unos numeritos en su calculadora y lo que descubrió fue tan impactante que en seguida llamó a mi mamá. "Cuchame, Moira," le dijo. "Cuchame: tu hija cuando tenga 18 años va a medir 1 metro 80 y pesar 50 kilos. ¡Cuerpito de modelo!"

Seguramente en ese momento, mi vieja se tranquilizó, se sirvió una copita de vino, se sentó y se sonrío a sí misma. "Estas son buenas noticias", pensó. "Al menos si no me sale inteligente, me va a salir flaca". Porque todas las madres desean que sus hijos sean inteligentes y esbeltos.

Bueno, aquí me ven. (Ese es el remate del chiste).

Lo que me molesta del incumplimiento de la profecía no es necesariamente que lo más flaca que estuve en mi vida fue a los 60 kilos (y tenía venintitantos) ni que me quedé a cinco centímetros de la altura estipulada (ya bastante problema tengo con los altos que prefieren a las petizas, ni entremos en ese tema). El problema es que la pediatra se olvidó de medir una cosa. Y esa cosa es hasta más importante que el peso, la altura, la fineza, el trabajo y la legalización de la marihuana.

La conchuda se olvidó de pronosticar cuánto me crecería la nariz.

"Ay, pobre Tefa, fijate, heredó una mezcla de nariz de su abuela inglesa y de mi familia", decía mi vieja. Para que se hagan una idea, las mujeres de la familia de mi vieja suelen tener narices súper fuertes con jorobas, donde guardan el glamour por las dudas de encontrarse en un desierto de cantes. Mi abuela inglesa tiene nariz-gancho, como los griegos y las águilas.

De chica, tenía pavor que los demás nenes se convirtieran en inteligentes, sumaran uno más uno después de ver Pinocho y me acusaran de ser terrible mentirosa. Cuando era adolescente -qué asco la palabra adolescente, es re de empleado público- leí en una nota de una revista de esas huecas que las narices estilo tucán demuestran que quienes las portan tienen una gran personalidad. Me gustó mucho hasta que me di cuenta que evidentemente hay que cultivar una gran personalidad cuando tenés un pendorcho que te cuelga de entre los ojos en todo momento.

Siempre tuve problemas para encontrar lentes de sol que me quedaran bien y no me hicieran parecer una avestruz. Tengo estudiado exactamente cómo mirar a la cámara para evitar ser etiquetada en Facebook en 3D. Encima, yo sí creo que mi nariz grande me hace más sensible a los olores. Pregúntelen a cualquiera que haya salido conmigo. La frase que siempre temen no es "tenemos que hablar" sino "¿qué mierda comiste hoy hijo de puta?".

Pobre mi vieja. Además de ser la oveja negra de la familia, le salí narigona y no-modelo. Al menos te prometo, mamá, que a veces soy inteligente. Y además, soy la persona de nariz grande más linda del condado. Te lo prometo.

CARPE DIEM, CHICOS.

33 comentarios :

Willy dijo...

Esto de estar desvelado tiene sus ventajas, puedo ser el primero en comentar en Catatonias después de años de ausencia :-)
DIT, no te preocupes, yo iba a ser alto, esbelto y exitoso... por ahora gordo como siempre y esperando el estirón :-P

Lu dijo...

Petisa va con s.

El dejo dijo...

Todos ibamos a ser algo que no somos, yo de hecho iba a ser ministro de economia y ahora soy casi ingeniero en sistemas. Y el carma de la nariz lo entiendo, a mi me dicen que tengo nariz de princesita.

Omar de enletrasarte y masletrasarte dijo...

bien logrado,
saludos

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Diego, quiero tu nariz.

Mujer, te banco. Tamos en la misma!

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